11:40 a.m. - 2004-04-21
Only Temporary
Right now, almost everything in my life is in a state of limbo. My job ends on May 15th, a date that once felt like an eternity away and now appears to be in about five minutes. This year is flying by at a rate that is going to give me whiplash pretty soon – I seriously genuinely am having trouble believing that it’s the 21st of April. Not in a “boy, I can’t believe it’s the 21st of April!” sort of way, but more of a complete sense of bewilderment that a month appears to have disappeared without me being there. I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since my birthday. I can’t believe tour is on Saturday. I can’t believe my friends’ baby is born already. I can’t believe how old the Bean is looking, with her first real little girl haircut and her second birthday hurtling towards us at lightening speed. Life has been drifting by, and now, suddenly, I’m overwhelmed with things to do. Laundry, packing, job applications, errands – nothing worthy of journal entries but everything taking over my life one hour at a time.
I don’t know when Diana and I will be getting an apartment – both of us are in job limbo at the moment, waiting to hear about various things, both broke as hell but desperate to move out. I hear about Jamie’s stepdad’s rental properties, available on May 1st, and I want it so badly I am tempted to call Diana and see if we could look into some sort of pimping in order to get ourselves out there. I am tired of being at home, tired of dealing with the stupid day to day crap that inevitably comes up, tired of getting dumped on because my parents work too hard. But I’m stuck, for now, until Diana and I can get ourselves out of these holding patterns we’re both trapped in.
There are jobs I want, jobs I may get, jobs that are perfectly suited to me, jobs I am qualified for. Jobs with better hours than this one, cheaper parking than this one, longer security than this one. I write cover letters, and I try to get that right tone of proving how great I’d be at it, how badly I want it, without sounding desperate. But I have no choice but to wait, to hope, to hold my breath and cross my fingers and pray it works out.
I’ve booked the surgery I’ve been meaning to do for years, made a commitment and told almost everyone I know so I am forced to go through with it. But even then, I must wait – stuck in the familiar limbo as I wait for my scheduled appointment, unable to go wedding dress shopping or buy new bras as I count down the months until this hated part of myself gets fixed.
So here I sit, not knowing where I’ll live, where I’ll work, what I’ll look like, one, two, six months down the road. It’s a strange feeling, this limbo, and I’m not so sure I like it. Right now, I don’t feel like I quite belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, I’m only temporary.
